A mi tambien me dieron ganas

... de montarme en un avion esta noche para ir en busca de cositas
...de unas lindas cosquillitas por aqui, y por aca
... que rico son esas cosquillitas sin olvidarme de las otras cositas que me haras
... que rico acostarme hoy y recibirlas, pero solo las tuyas!
... creo me quedare con las ganas otra vez

One more year, and we still haven't made any progress in fighting HIV/AIDS

So today is World's AIDS day and this is my way of mourning it. Today's LA Times editorial "A day of failed promise" talks about the horrible realization that we are losing the war against HIV/Aids. And "we" is not only those powerful governments who have the money and technology to control this epidemic, but all of us in this world for not making a commitment to fight back. The rethoric about abstinence is not going to solve the problem, would "safe sex" do it for us? I even laugh about this because I know that there isn't safe sex except for abstinence and I would be the first one to make a plight against abstinence. The article says something that really made me think about the failure of world leaders' policies in combating the endemic: "The highest rates of new infection in sub-Saharan Africa are among young married women, who for the most part are faithful to their husbands; they need condoms for their husbands and for themselves, not lectures on abstinence''. How can you stop women in Africa from not getting infected with AIDS? Do they have a choice like me? like you? Do we really think these women will say no to their husbands when having sex?

Go to Kenya and you will see women in the streets prostituting for food; women who often take the road of prostitution to feed their children in the absence of a husband- or some who are simply running from the punches of this same man... This isn't a speech about feminism either but the reality is that women and children get hit the hardest by papa AIDS. Cultural practices are not only keeping women and children in poverty but are sending them directly to the grave with a disgusting disease- worst is the thought that there are actually enough antiviral medicine to give to all people infected with HIV and Aids. So why aren't these drugs making it to their hands? simply because we have economic interests and forces that are not willing to share a patent to make these drugs cheaper and thus more accessible to the poor people. Even in the U.S.A the treatment of HIV and AIDS is one of the most expensive treatments around the world. If we in the U.S. do not have insurance and hence cannot have access to these medicines, how can we expect people in the poor countries to get better?

A final thought... and this is how ridiculous these world policies are getting- Brazil, at the beginning of this year refused to accept U.S. Aid to fight HIV/Aids because they weren't willing to accept american policies that the sex profession needed to be considered illegal in order for Brazil to benefit form this aid. Good for Lula when he said No to these blackmailing policies by the U.S. but... bad for the many people in Brazil who now don't have access to those medicines. Where should we put the balance on governmental policies to protect public health? people go first and many sacrifices need to be made.

Have you gotten tested yet?

Amog... estas leyendo el blog?

Y ahora que voy a escribir? no es que me sienta violada pero es como raro no crees? ya no puedo rajar de los hombres como antes, ni de aquellos que por ahi usan este espacio para metersen en nuestras vidad privadas... mentiras, a esos si los seguire jodiendo. umm- pero para esto fue que cree este blog, cierto? asi que me animare a seguir escribiendo aunque estes leyendolo. Conste que si lo critico no es para que se ofenda mucho- recuerda que este es mi espacio, my free speech zone- y si no le gusta: pues no lea. Yo escribo para mi-no para usted. Aunque seria chevere estimular una conversacion llena de comentarios escandalosos... tal vez nos reiriamos mas al encontrarnos nuevamente. Que rebundancia. pero por esta vez te mando un blog directo a ti: estoy feliz... me haces muy feliz y por eso te quiero. Me da hasta cosita pensar que ya no tengo drama en mi vida: de que escribo ahora? si... pura rebundancia.

Buzy two weeks

and so I am back... between DC, NYC, FL and LAX taking me from one side to the other, I wonder how much life am I losing flying? how many hours in total/ my guess is about 17 hours divided into three trips in less than 2 weeks. That's without counting that next week, I will be flying approx. 15 hours :( and let me add the jet lag that even though is only 3 hours between west and east, my head, mind and my poor stomach get all confused and forget at what times I have to do specific things... and let's count the excitement- if Televisa or Caracol write novelas based on the lives of real people, they would be having a total success with my own story of love, hate, love, hate, yes, no, maybe, perhaps, let me think about it... ahhh, just wishing I could relax for a little bit and dissapear fromeverything and anyone. I am loving having this exciting non-stopping life- what gets me frustrated is my inability to make tough decisions that will not only affect my life but the future of others. On a positive note, I got to see my fahter who I hadn't seen in almost 2 years :)

Si Dios fuera una mujer

Por Mario Benedetti-
(¿y si Dios fuera una mujer? -Juan Gelman)

¿Y si Dios fuera mujer?
pregunta Juan sin inmutarse,
vaya, vaya si Dios fuera mujer
es posible que agnósticos y ateos
no dijéramos no con la cabeza
y dijéramos sí con las entrañas.
Tal vez nos acercáramos a su divina desnudez
para besar sus pies no de bronce,
su pubis no de piedra,
sus pechos no de mármol,
sus labios no de yeso.
Si Dios fuera mujer la abrazaríamos
para arrancarla de su lontananza
y no habría que jurar
hasta que la muerte nos separe
ya que sería inmortal por antonomasia
y en vez de transmitirnos SIDA o pánico
nos contagiaría su inmortalidad.
Si Dios fuera mujer no se instalaría
lejana en el reino de los cielos,
sino que nos aguardaría en el zaguán del infierno,
con sus brazos no cerrados,
su rosa no de plástico
y su amor no de ángeles.
Ay Dios mío, Dios mío
si hasta siempre y desde siempre
fueras una mujer
qué lindo escándalo sería,
qué venturosa, espléndida, imposible,
prodigiosa blasfemia.

No mas lluvia por hoy

No ha parado de llover. El tiempo logre consumirlo en medio de las gotas que sonaban en el calentador. El trabajo me ha consumido las energias de hoy sin embargo no para de llover... la lluvia me da ganas de fumar; tambien me entristece, me da hambre. Mientras las hormigas invaden el piso del bano y me cocina, escucho las gotas caer en el patio. Hoy vi llover, y recorde lo de hace un ano. Alli empezo aquel descubrimiento personal. Siempre llueve en tiempos de elecciones- no quisiera tener aquel trabajo nunca mas. El pelo se me encrespa y pienso en el pasado. No quiero que llueva este ano en mi cumpleanos. Patrick siempre decia que mi presencia en esta ciudad coincidia con la lluvia. Ya no se que hacer con las hormigas; estoy cansada de pelear. Mejor me voy a dormir, a tocar las sabanas frias que me recuerdan que la lluvia es como la vulnerabilidad. pero es tambien su expresion de poder. Lo que la lluvia me trajo el ano pasado, se lo devuelvo con una sonrisa y un dedo apuntando hacia al cielo. El ruido me pone nostalgica, pero me ayuda a dormir- y me hace falta dormir. este ano: mamola a la lluvia!

away for so long, but found my way back home

With all this traveling in the last month, going west to east, north to south, south to north, and finally east to west (a total of 26 hours in a plane ina period of two weeks) I have caught all the possible flying viruses of the season; but in the midst of a terrible flu, I also found myself once again, thinking realisitically about the future, about the dreams, and the goals that I have set for myself during the last months. And is that taking three minutes in your life to look at a person and understand that you don't want to be there is as hard as trying to quit smoking (something that I still cannot give my last goodbyes). In all that craziness, I also went back to the past, to my home- a place that I have been neglecting to go for several months... adn without expecting it, I run into long flings from the past who make me question everything that I am currently doing with my life. And so, I thought about it and let myself go with the sweat of the city, the sky, the beautiful moon- and he was there- but for the first time, he was there to be all mine- kind of selfish to say something like this but after 5 years of fooling around between relationship breaks, we finally got the time to question why we never hooked up in the past. And so I cheated, but in a favorable way. Taking a break from a hurtful relationship thay simply has been going in order to allow time to break it, doesn't really seem like an honest relationship. besides, we did break it and simply stayed together for the remaining of the week. In these days, who doesn't get goodbye sex! Opps, I didn't mean that. Now that I think about it, I haven't got it in a couple of ocassions.
But well, I am happy at least to come back to my temporal home and life- but with dreams of settling unresolved issues. I have no clue where this fling will take me, and I am trying not to put too much hope... one thing for sure, is that I haven't had that tickling sensation in my stomach since my adolesence years and this surely feels good. Who doesn't like to be told that someone is thinking about all 24 hours a day! or that you are the most beautiful person in earth.
On a side note, I finally got my arepas to make it to the West coast... I truly missed that taste.

What I miss about...

Disclaimer- Katie... what I great idea!

1. My family- I miss the family circus, the smell of the cats' shit dump, my mom's incense, her voice... the tarot, I miss the food, GOD! and el chisme sin duda. There's always a reason to criticize- miss sleeping with my little sis. Ernie's long "fantastic" stories about his work. y mis colchones- malditos que aun estoy pagando.
2. Florida- just the water- the rich life. Nanis- who else will talk with me for hours! (the drinking plays a big role on these long conversations). Mr. Luiso, his laugh- flirting, that unique smile when looking at my tits. La cubana de Maria- quien mas puede darme all the political and gay gossip- not to mention la farandula. The sunset- except for the disgraceful mosquitoes. sometimes Rene.
3. NY- mi hermanito. smell of the street pee- la carola reganando a juan. Ix- even though he tried to be the boss most of the time. miss his dancing, su negreria, su voz. The noise, movement, life. Central park is a plus! winter, but not the fucking snow.
4. France- les parents. the food- wine, cheese- the long political conversations. the face in mom's face when she makes a connerie, and dad laughing at her; ma pauvre francoise. Soaz qui me parle de ses relations, de pot, de le future avec Xav. Mon petit kev qui est plus petit maintenant- il doit etre tres mignon now. Papan et ces escargots.
5. Colombia- la arepa y el calentado en la manana. Padre- alengando, hablando de Juanito. la leche- el arequipe, la cuca. Alcala y titan. normandia- la cigarreria. Los muchachos. el futbol y el estadio. los conciertos en pereira. Jairito y su voz. La ropa y el buen cuero. el pueblo- la gente. Bogota. Salento y la trucha. el camping con ricardo. el pot con F. la hamaca. papa de nuevo- el tango. el vinito frio con mi padre. fumar. que la gente critique al imbecil del uribe.

And what about LA? Do I like it? thank god for Osman y Sergio- sin ellos, me volveria loca. Love the wheather! Hermosa beach, the reading with Osman. La peleadera con paola. Las visitas esporadicas de Salomon. Sandra y su comida- the cursing. Her children even though there's times I want to kill them. Janelle and her stories- Felipe y Ben with their gay energy. Sergio's llamadas de apoyo. waking up with Ix- even though he is not here with me now. mi nevera llena. o vacia :( thank god for asian food- but please make sure it doesn't have any hairs. Katie- hoping she will come back to work for Oxfam. My office- my own office!!! my blackberry. Having no roommates :) but I miss all of you.

This is between the middle of nowhere... new mexico, texas, mexico. What a beautiful scenario... this is like a sentence to death- Fort Bliss- this is nowhere... the pre-stop before the Iraq war- it is horrible- I don't want you going there but there is no alternative... just stay safe. Al verte supe que nunca fuimos nada pero te quiero... has sido un gran amigo y solo te deseo lo mejor; me encanto hablarte de el- quien es? como ha cambiado mi vida! lo amo. solo recuerda tu promesa- no habran agujeros en tu cuerpo- regresa a nosotros safe- we love you- i love u too and I miss you with all my heart- and I love u too baby; Ixrael please come back to me soon.
V.

I don't think you care much... and it makes tremendously sad; como explicartelo? pienso en las miles de cosas que quisiera decirte, expresar. estar lejos de ti, de ellos, de todos me pone mal; y mas ahora que tengo algo que busque por mucho tiempo... mi tiempo. ahi esta presente, y no logro disfrutarlo; me despierto en la manana deseando hacer muchas cosas y con el paso del dia me encuentro ahi... sin ganas, sin el drive que me logre sacar de aqui. pero tu no reaccionas, y no quiero imponertelo; pero estas tan lejano de mi que estoy comprendiendo que nunca estuviste ahi. eres un rayo; algo espontaneo, hermoso pero perdido en otro universo. PERO, PERO, EPRO... NO MAS PEROS. te amo y solo quiero que me ames dia a dia... de que esta hecho el mundo si no existe el amor. Hasta donde debemos llevar nuestros suenos, nuestros deseos personales, profesionales... caul es el precio mas alto que debemos pagar para encontrarnos 100% felices? ya escogi una vez y aqui me encuentro en LA. Cual fue el precio de empezar de nuevo? no solo ha sido la soledad, pero la decepcion, la incertidumbre, el miedo, y la falta de amor. escoger ahora me llevaria a otro lugar; tal vez mas cerca de ti, de mi familia, de las personas que mas quiero en mi vida... sin saber cual seria el precio y la verdad es que me gustaria saberlo asi estaria mas segura si valdria la pena empezar de nuevo. No quiero mas dormidas en el piso o sofas- tampoco quiero empacar mas cajas. por que nos es tan dificil mirar hacia adelante y olvidarnos de los obstaculos? yo solo quiero acostarme feliz; pensar que manana al despertar, habra una voz conocida a mi lado deseandome tener un buen dia... y de paso poder compartir el olor del desayuno asi me regane por el abuso de calorias en una manana tan esplendida. Si deseo tener todo aquello a mi lado- una sonrisa, una caricia, una simple palabra que me de un motivo para regresar en la noche a casa feliz de lo que me espera al llegar; asi me encuentre cada noche con un escenario diferente- en medio de peleas apasionadas, noches de poco sueno, cenas rapidas improvisadas para apetecer nuestros gustos. No quiero mirar atras por que se que lo arriesgue todo- la vida al lado de alguien que llenaba mucho mi vida pero que olvide amar en el camino. No quiero que eso nos pase a los dos- solo quiero verte, sentirte... saber que eres real. o talvez yo no soy real? solo quiero que te importe.

a matter of disgust

The late images on TV about the tragedy in Lousiana and Mississippi have confirmed so many of those things that people in this country have been denying for years... is not only the loothing, the poverty, the poor afros running around and crying for help... the many people breaking in tears in front of the cameras... is the fucking abandonment by all of us- the isolation of the poor, the negro, the latino and so on...and that only came of the only 5 minutes that I decided to watch TV. How to turn our face around to these disgusting events of life... How not to be mad; at a point where I am also breaking into tears and feeling disgust for the people of this nation- and that also includes me. Yesterday I kept breaking into tears but for not this trategy, but for my personal tragedy... my solitude; and the more that i read about buddhism the more questionings I have about our existence... it turns out that buddhism is a fatalistic idea... there's no way out! I hate thinking like this- the more I think about Lousiana and Mississippi, the more that I question the hands of God- are we suppose to believe that God or Allah or whatever you want to call it put all these people in these places to suffer this disgraceful act of no mercy- because this is part of the karma from a previous life that they have to pay? I am disgusted about life, about love, about existence- and I can't stop crying about it... So it leaves me with a reality that under buddhist ideology I am supposed to accept- and is not that i got lucky but that I have moved into the superior world that makes me a more elevated person. I will not accept that- I just can't. i have enough with accepting the fact that I have to live in solitude away from my family and all the people that I love.. that I have to wake up every fucking morning and talk to my fucking mirror- and find my way to a cave in Korea town to do this- look at my computer and hear my own voice as I write these words... such much for resignation at this minute... I am heart broken with my existence in this world but I can't see myself escaping from the samsara- no matter how aware I can be of it now.

Can we ever understand War?

I have always thought of myself as a pacifist- I don't believe in war or armed conflict as some people prefer to say. But I never had any personal reasons to oppose it... until now. Knowing that you are leaving to Iraq really is scaring the shit out of me- I am taking this as a big toll... yes I am fearful not to see you again. Talking to you yesterday at least for that brief second brought back so many memories... many good ones too! I guess circumstances have changed now that I know we have closed a cycle; but I still wondered why you ever married. War is touching me for the first time and I can only ask you to please come back... you will not come back to me but you need to get back to your new family.... let me process this more before I see you again.

what must happen for change to occur?

In my line of work, you never know what will happen. There's the hope everyday that our hard work will have an impact in the lives of others but sometimes our work seems like a constant crash into a wall. I just wonder what will take for people to rise up and spak. My work is directed to support small farmers in the globe and to influence trade policies that will benefit them... that will improve their livelihoods. However, I find myself in positions where I can't get these small farmers to speak for themselves. There's so much apathy on the system here in the U.S. Small farmers especially minority farmers whine about the complezes of the system but don't take this whinning where they should take it and that's such a big frustration. I talk to them, listen to their concers, their challenges. I talk to them about the resources that we can provide for them: media training, lobbying training, even paid expenses for them to travel to the capitol and complain... even with this, these farmers opt for stay silent.

I may be a positivist by believing that there can be change and that people do have the power to achieve change... this is my life, and I see it everyday even if it is only to make some people mad. But when you get other people to react to what you are saying or doing then it is clear that your voice has been empowered. Now I rely on candles and miracles so my farmer' friends get encouraged to act, to react, to whine. But what can be the thing that can trigger a reaction from them? what needs to happen so they take power? the forclosure of their homes? the sudden death of one of their family members while working on a 107 farenheit environment in the farm? cuts in conservation programs that deprive them from working their lands due to lack of funds to maintain this operation? the starving of their children at school due to governmental cuts on nutrition programs?

where are we going now? how can we get them to believe in the dream?

The bay rules!

I am enjoying so much SF. what an extraordinary city... this place always makes me wonder such much about life. My first time in SF i got my heart broken but despite that, it was my first time ever doing something alone... tourism by myself; it was beautiful. I always knew I would be back. Here I am again; wanting to stay permanently. Berkeley reminds me so much of my childhood... the smell of the city; the wheather- Bogota. I love it! I see a future... especially enjoying it with you. I miss you so much- really wish you were here to see it.

que tiempo ni que cuento

... pero las respuestas estan ahi y tendre que ser paciente. Estoy feliz de volver; me espacio, mi casa, mi silencio... pero quedo el vacio. Se fueron los dos I y S y me quede con la nevera vacia. Y eso sin contar que me toco limpiar como loca! hasta pense en irme y mo mirar. Hoy miro el tapete; las manchas; las paredes vacias y quiero volver a mi rutina para no recordar. NY fue un buen descanso- rico ver a el juan y la carola tan contentos con su cueva. Felices los dos. Las payasadas me hicieron reir. Fueron buenos dias para recordar muchas cosas. Ahora me quede sin mi enana; por que la enana se me crecio. pero mi chiquita jamas dejara de ser mi enana.

Ayer...

Pense en que no siempre podemos cambiar. Que nuestros mayores temores nunca desaperecen... te vi y pense que no podre ser aquella con la que sonaste anoche. Pense que la distancia nos dara las grandes respuestas que hoy buscamos; Pense que no cambiare por que me amo de la manera que soy. Pense en los grandes avances que he hecho como mujer; en que finalmente soy honesta conmigo misma; en que no creo mas en los cuentos de hadas o en el principe azul. Pense en mi padre, en Juan, en mi madre... pense y me rei de mi misma al darme cuenta de mis debilidades. Pense en que no te voy a olvidar pero en que si te debo dejar ir. Pense en que solo podras quererme si no me tratas de cambiar. Pense en que te quiero asi...tan lejos del principe azul; con tus jeans manchados y tus manos con pintura... en tus palabras tan directas que me ponen histerica pero que hacen nuestra relacion tan transparente. Pense en que el tiempo de verdad sera la respuesta a todo. No quiero cambiar... quiereme asi.

sonrisa

alegria; temor. que rica sensacion; soy feliz... temporalmente feliz. vos que pensas? pensabas lo mismo que yo ayer? me quede con las ganas de contarte; me senti como si no quisieras escucharme madre. la vida si es un carnaval por eso no me detendre a pedir tu opinion esta vez. no llorare; mandare todos y a todas al carajo con tanta criticadera. que rico; ahora somos un equipo. Tampoco no siento ser la hija ideal... la cortina se acaba de caer.

tan feliz que no faltan los dolores de cabeza

Asi me pasa hoy. Me levanto feliz, teniendo una muy fructifera semana laboral a pesar de las picaduras "Kansasienses" de mosquitos que todavia me tenien pasandome las unas por encima y dejandome unas marcas mas feas que me da pena mostrar las piernas, la cara y hasta mi humilde trasero. Pero estoy feliz... todavia despertando de un repentino encanto con la vida; o mas bien aun, viviendo un encanto que ni yo misma me lo puedo creer. Y en esa felicidad tambien he reflecionado mucho... que tanto se le debe contar a los amigos, la familia, los vecinos; es como unas de esas enfermedades que quisiera uno transmitirle a todo el mundo- enfermedad de amor. Y aunque sea corta la estoy viviendo con la mayor intensidad. Existen muchas dudas, miedos; claro que con esta fascinacion las cosas han sido como calmadas, con los pies muy en la tierra... pero en la tierra de la luna; raro solo puedo decir, pero que rico disfrutar del amor. Pero volviendo a lo de las ganas de contaminar a los vecinos con esta pequena porcion de felicidad nos encontramos con certezas sobre la gente que nos rodea. Habia pensado en alguien quien podia criticar o tratar de "salar" las cosas... y mira que la Carola me lo dijo: alejate de esa persona cachai; te va a querer joder. Y la carola se gano el titulo de adivinadora... es como triste la vaina- premeditar la cosa y sin embargo me arriesgue todavia esperando que esta persona no lo tomara tan mal pues estaba segura que algun comentario saldria. La rabia o "piedra" que tengo es encontrarme con alguien tan enferma en su alma; tanta envidia solo conduce a mas soledad, y ahi esta es una soledad que la unica basura que sale de su boca es envidia. Y que hacer con aquellas amistades? me da tristeza aunque tambien me da felicidad, certeza, espiritu, alegria- fue como si yo tambien me hubiera ganado el premio de madame fufu. Habra que preguntarle a mi madre en su regreso sobre lo que ella opina. Y aqui quedo... feliz, tragada, y burlandome mano a mano con el destino. solo es sabe lo que viene, asi que mejor no esperar nada- sin fe pero disfrutando al maximo. Ix, que rico tenerte a mi lado asi sea solo por un rato.

Galeria de la verguenza

No se como titular la breve exhibicion de fotografias que siguen en este escrito. Las tome como imagenes para que me recuerden a diario que no he perdido la perpectiva... How sad to talk about them, because I can only think about the anger, the dissapointment in many ways and the inmense frustration when I look at them. It was a trip to remind me of those injustices that I defend every day but that I have forgotten to look at. La Colonia Chilpancingo es una comunidad de mas de 10,000 personas que vivian directamente de una planta de reciclaje de plomo, cobre, y fosforo. Company protected by the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) signed over 10 years ago between U.S., Canada and Mexico. The problem: more than 23,000 tons of mixed contaminated waste including lead and arsenic were abandoned adjacent to this colony- causing enormous health and environmental danger.

In another corner of this colony lies El Alamar River. El Alamar river descends from this hill where the majority of Maquiladoras in Tijuana are located. A shanty town called "La Nueva Esperanza" was created in the mid-nineties as many small farmers and other workers abandoned by choice or were forced to leave their lands in Mexico after NAFTA came into existence. Most of them looking for any job available in the maquiladoras moved to La Nueva Esperanza in the hope that they would be able to make fast money working in the Maquilas and as a step before crossing the border in the U.S. ... a long time has passed for many of these residents in Nueva Esperanza and their hopes to emigrate have vanished over time. Around 1997, this community was displaced by the Mexican Army and relocated in another area of Tijuana where they were promised a better living- they had been displaced for public health reasons but also for guaranteeing corporations ability to operate freely without any disturbs. But their jobs were still in the maquiladoras and many of them couldn't afford the expenses of transportation from the other side of town; so with time they came back without knowing what awaited them... the biggest contamination ever recorded in the history of the border...

Today, residents of Chilpancingo and Nueva Esperanza have united fronts through the creation of a colectivo to gather information about the impact of public health. The Environmental Health Coalition has joined forces with the colectivo and released their report titled Globalization at the Crossroads www.environmentalhealth.org where they give you a ten-year history of the passage of NAFTA in the San Diego/Tijuana border Region-reading that I recommend you don't miss! As I participated on this tour with some american physicians and some residents of Chipancingo... I heard the most amazing thing: when one of the residents of Chilpancingo was asked why she hasn't left the colony despite knowing the dangers that they face everyday, she simply responded... Because I was here first before the Maquilas!

Comunidad Nueva Esperanza; rio afectado por la contaminacion causada por desechos de plomo, y arsenicos entre otros. 

Rio Alamar; Comunidad Nueva Esperanza, Tijuana.  

El famoso three-fence... Los que se fueron, no cruzaron pero tampoco regresaron 

Tijuana's Metales y Derivados landmark case of the failure of NAFTA 

Playas de Tijuana; Frontera con U.S. 

Mas de 23,000 toneladas de desechos contaminados incluyendo plomo y arsenico fueron abandonados cerca de la colonia Chipancingo y esta comunidad llamada Nueva Esperanza.

cachai... la carola!

La Carola en la frontera... "en la linea". Adonde fuimos? que mundo tan extrano aquel del otro lado... Tijuana... muerta, fria, en pause. La nocion de no ser de ninguna parte, o de querer ser parte de un mundo que existe al otro lado. Sos Chilena? aquel dia por un instante no pudiste serlo... que sentiste poi? para mi fue distinto- fue una revelacion de que no soy ni de alli ni de aca. I am naturalized... where is that country? how can I be defined as naturalized; either I am a citizen or I am not or should I ask for a third opinion? y el $1.50 que nos recuerda que tenemos el poder en nuestras manos... que sentenciamos la existencia de estos seres que dependen de $1.50 en una carrera de taxi? como explicar aquello... aun no despierto de aquella experiencia; parece poco real. eso es por que he ignorado la realidad del otro lado por un buen tiempo; o por que nunca lo entend. La NINA me hizo reir mucho; sobretodo hablando de su popolo; de mi Juan... mi juanito... mi hermano "el gancho". Que buenas cervezas... que se nos repita!

El misterio del buen amigo

Como definir un buen amigo? existe realmente aquella persona? yo solo puedo hablar de lo que you soy como amiga; trato de ser sincera, directa, reservada; y simplemente no ser una hijuemadre con mis amigos. Soy fiel y leal a una amistad; espero recibir la misma cortesia. La amistad verdadera se debe basar en esa sinceridad... el decirle a un amigo cuales son sus errores... pero jamas cruzar la linea. La linea que nos puede convertir en envidiosos, celosos, y amargados; la linea que se puede convertir en hipocresia. Cierto dicho dice que es mejor ponerse rojo una vez en la vida, que pasarse la vida poniendose rojo por no decir algo. Y lo estoy aprendiendo a entender al encontrarme con una vieja amistad que no tiembla la voz para ser sincera; que no le da pena decirle a uno si la cague... pero si tengo un problema cuando esa persona se contradice y no reconoce que tampoco es perfecta y que muchos y de los defectos que critica sobre uno, tambien son parte de sus defectos.
Pero prefiero ponerme brava 5 minutos, y luego reirme de la situacion. Al fin de al cabo no existe cosa mas grata que hablar con este amigo despues y que no exista ningun recentimiento.
Ese quiero que sea mi amigo; eso lo hace un buen amigo.

Un estupendo fin de semana

ya con 10 meses cumplidos en esta ciudad, por primera vez puedo decir que he tenido un gran fin de semana... bueno por que me permitio apreciar los encantos de esta ciudad a veces tan fria, y solitaria; una ciudad llena de cultura, de buena gente, y de buen material para pensar. El viernes estuve en una boda... un poco extrano por que la boda empezo a la 1pm. T dice que la hicieron a esa hora para que el salon de fiesta les saliera mas barato... una bella boda donde los hombres derramaban mas lagrimas que las nenas; un verdadero misterio de lo que matrimonio significa para estos hombres.
En la noche, me fui con Paolita a un concierto de Antibalas http://www.antibalas.com/ Muy buena banda; buen afro-beat. Un sabor de brooklyn lleno de political statements, de salsa, de Africa, y de este mundo papapa! excelente... me lo goze muchisimo; sobretodo cuando escuche a Willie Colon. Me trajo memorias de Colombia; me lleno de nostalgia. Toda la noche pense lo que Juan hubiera dicho; esa es su onda... mi hermanito me hubiera contado mas sobre esta banda.
El Sabado lo remate con un paseo unconvencional al cementerio de Hollywood, donde se reunen todos los sabados mas de 300 personas a disfrutar de una pelicula clasica. That night I watched North by Northwest from Hitchcock. Pretty funny how this suspense drama turns into a love story. It was really great... and as you enjoy the film, you get to share with your friends food, wine, even pot. Not me but most people surely enjoyed it. It is a great tribute to the death... the laughs, the warm scene for being at the cemetery.... hilarious.
Yesterday my friend Osman woke me up and invited me to the beach. Really nice afternoon in the middle of cheese and wine. The pacific is so dark but it surely has so much power. I kind of asked myself yesterday if the first time I saw the ocean was the pacific? My guess is that it was; perhaps due to the proximity to Pereira. But then, my first memoires in the water are in the Atlantic; in a family trip with mis tias and my brother where we visited San Andres, Santa Marta and .... I think barranquilla at some point? I can't longer remember. My memories of that trip are my brother's memories like most of my childhood remembrances.
Finally P came to see me... more like a chance to close our story. to let go in many ways. Destiny has been dictated and we no longer know what to think... how do we let go? but we did, and we desperately needed it. I am glad it ended like this; with no regrets, no grudges. I do love him but I know that I will never trust him again. And P... the diapers will change your life. All I can say is that you need to embrace this miracle of life; don't question it any more. It was meant to be; we weren't. And this is how we let each other go.

how to let you go...

why come back to me... especially now when I had buried you. Never knowing how you felt... una promesa, un suspirar... mi Buenos Aires querido! como enterrarte? I love u. As I hear your breathing; never knowing what it means, how it feels. I have to let you go. I can't bear your future paternity. I wish I could hold you in my arms... but this time trusting you. What do you want from me??? es mi corazon el que se abre y me dice que te deje ir; aunque te amo, se que fuiste cobarde y no quisiste comprometerte. pero no puedo... no puedo tenerte en mis brazos cuando se que no seras mio, solo para mi. te dejo ir hoy por que se que no volveras. pero te amo y a partir de hoy me despido de ti. Adios P.

What do I know about love...

J... don't ask me what to say about love. I don't know anything about it; I don't have love. But there is always hope that Love will come to you and find you. Without pushing it, it will get inside you and hopefully, it will stick. I can't judge love, not even if it has always dissapointed me. Nothing else to say... I am not sure if it is really worth fighting for.

My first Altar! 

The Circle of Life 

MIA

I have been missing in action lately; Although I have been going through some thinking as to what to write the next time I seated on my chair to visit this blog. I was away for a week attending a conference in San Francisco; and interesting conference I may add, talking to small-scale farmers from all over the U.S. and in many ways understanding that they do go through the same challenges that farmers in Latin America face everyday; even in the most powerful nation, small farmers struggle to make a decent living. At the same time, I saw some old faces from the past making me realize what a strong and confident woman I have become. It has been the thoughest year of my life since the separation from my ex; then there was the relocation to LA; the months sleeping the in the floor; the times of loneliness and deception and finally, a time of joy where I have found my role in the world.
I love my job because it makes me a better person; a humble one at least. I always knew I was going to work on tough causes but I never thought I would be doing this type of work promoting fair trade. I do realize that I can achieve much more and do more for the people who need it. I have hesitated so much into going back to law school, especially these last months. And then, I am pulled back to this desire to become the best lawyer yet in human rights because practicing law does have much more influence on Policy than being an activist that even though is standing for a good cause may loss sight on choosing his/her battles.
I am also happy to have finalized my first altar. It is still a work in progress and it will get bigger with time; but I am excited to be able to see that love and respect put together into these offerings to buddhism and its values. Like my brother once said: "the best thing that ever happened to our mother was buddhism" and I think it goes the same way for me. Someone else in my position and after all that I have been through with Love and affection would have gone crazy if not psycho! But buddhism has helped me maintain my senerity and continues to embrace with other wonderful things in life. I think I am finally making it... at least for now :)

! 

Sex and the City

Today, I had one of those inspirational moments... watching Sex and The City (two seasons late) my heart felt alive! alive, like it hadn't been in years; alive, with desires to conquer the world, to cry, to scream, to be myself again. A lot has happened lately, and as I come into this state of peace with my own self I feel that I got to try... and to try is to feel alive, to stop neglecting the universe, to love... but this time to love only myself. And today Sex and the City not only meant thinking about relationships but it also meant to awake from this idealism that misleads me in many ways. It was its final episode... exciting, sensual, unique like all of its episodes; giving me hope like I had never thought I could find. And now I write and tears come out of my eyes, but tears of anxiety, fear, happiness. Solitude teaches you many things, but bad relationships teach you more: the deceptions, the idealisms, idolitraciones del ser... the adrenaline, the laughs, the questions, and the not meant to be's. I wish life was just about sex; about keeping it simple. But it isn't for me at this minute. There's so many questionings about the meant to be's; the professional satisfactions, the short and "flash" love stories; the returns to past loves. And then... there is a future; a future that I love, that I dream about... and as Carrie smiles as she returns to NYC, I look around and I find hope.

how predictable...

How predictable was to know that I had been dreaming all along. The last two weeks, I have been traveling a lot; just before leaving last week, you came to visit but had nothing to say... but at the end you did and you decided to leave it upon my return. Now I am back and I find out how your life has changed... were we meant to find each other again last week? Now you are here facing the upcoming paternity... I cried, it hurted too much. The dissapointment; the lies; the possible cheating. I haven't given up on you and now I am faced with that reality. Life chose for us to go in different paths. Now is my choice to decide where I want to go next... next to your life, there will be a new me; far from you, I can't think I could be close again. The dissapointment is big, but the doubt will always rest. Take care of yourself... and good luck.

Seeing you... going nowhere

And I am going nowhere because I know you are not the one. Who's me to say who's the one? is there a one? do we get to find the one? are you the one and I am letting you go? But I miss you already; seeing you again...24 hours pass and I want to see you. Your company makes me wonder how weak I am becoming; and this is solitude taking over all myself; dictating me what to do and leaving me with an empty stomach. But my heart can't take it any longer and I miss you, I love you, I like you; but at the end I don't love you anymore. Who are you? are you the one?

Am I more lonely today?

I don't think so. I did break up with my boyfriend today but even that didn't make me feel more lonely. I guess things don't change; there's some of us condemned to solitude because we ask for it... is part of the drama that I enjoy. But today, its only me... and tomorrow will only be me. I am starting to see the beauty of being home sick; I am homesick I miss all of you but most of all, I miss my old self. Perhaps tomorrow without looking for it, I will finally find you... you for ever.

A donde vamos hoy?

A donde vamos hoy? Al cine, pa’ donde mas! I hear from you today; the melancholically words remind me much of the good times. I am afraid you will leave someday and we never got to say how much we thought about each other. But this time, it has to be you who comes and tells me how much you missed it. Dropping a mail seemed like a good excuse; and I wonder what else we can say to change our minds. Two months since I left; two months since you haven’t … who’s to blame? Fear; yours and my fear and my naive ness; of course. I miss you, more than I can say and what I am supposed to do now when my heart is divided into three parts. The hangover makes you think a lot; the silence, the darkness in the room makes me laugh about our game of words. I will not come back to you unless…it just takes three words and you know it.

Life... in movement 

Buena Salsa y que voy a hacer!

Mientras escucho el super radio blog de juanmapu, me pongo a pensar a una cantidad de huevonadas como deciamos por ahi... me vuelve ese colombianismo que no me gusta ni cinco, pero me da ganas de rumbear. Que me paso despues de tanto tiempo; aqui ando sentada haciendo ni mierda y un viernes... buscando plan para entretenerme. Por lo menos me acuerdo de Jesse... que ganas! la sonrisa vuelve... la curiosidad me mata po saber lo que viene. y por ahi pienso en chop suey; que come mierda jugando playstation en vez de ponerse las pilas y hacer algo. Carajo- y como se atreve la gente a criticar? Por eso existe el Cheating y aunque nunca lo he hecho ya estoy a punto de tratarlo. punto aparte. que pensar ahora? Mauro, buena salsa... me da ganas de llorar por que tengo unas ganas de coger un puto avion e irme pa' nyc. Me sentare a llorar a a cagarme de la risa. Janelle podra reirse por mucho tiempo; que hacer con estos mami boys? There's no way I can keep taking this bs. what the hell is wrong?... let me go camping and feel much better... and there's no need to do a booty call.

So what kind of things should I write about?

I am chic; so talking about drama is very common... but then, it could be too compromising. But then main again, I could use this blog to talk about it; to laugh about it; and then in two months... to feel ashamed about it. Knowing myself not even the archives will have them in the future.
Oh, pero I shouldn't worry much since I am not planning to tell the main characters of my drama about this blog. Now I am tired. let me sleep on the idea that tomorrow I will have the perfect relato to write about. For now, I will go to bed with my drama; divide my heart into three parts and think about what I am doing tomorrow and with who this time. Life gets lonely, and solitude is tougher when your heart is divided into three parts.

Why did I get a blog?

You know, I have no F... clue. I guess I like to write, have my own opinions and not worry about tomorrow. Creo que es chistoso, perhaps it comes from reading my brothers' and sister's blogs. I think is really cool; it allows me to talk about anything and de pronto hear from someone else who may not have something better to do and decided to read my blog. Sounds interesting, hummm? This is really cool... Oh I said that already; I guess I always wondered what I would write about if I ever had a blog. I hope this is the start of many things... join me on this ride!