a matter of disgust

The late images on TV about the tragedy in Lousiana and Mississippi have confirmed so many of those things that people in this country have been denying for years... is not only the loothing, the poverty, the poor afros running around and crying for help... the many people breaking in tears in front of the cameras... is the fucking abandonment by all of us- the isolation of the poor, the negro, the latino and so on...and that only came of the only 5 minutes that I decided to watch TV. How to turn our face around to these disgusting events of life... How not to be mad; at a point where I am also breaking into tears and feeling disgust for the people of this nation- and that also includes me. Yesterday I kept breaking into tears but for not this trategy, but for my personal tragedy... my solitude; and the more that i read about buddhism the more questionings I have about our existence... it turns out that buddhism is a fatalistic idea... there's no way out! I hate thinking like this- the more I think about Lousiana and Mississippi, the more that I question the hands of God- are we suppose to believe that God or Allah or whatever you want to call it put all these people in these places to suffer this disgraceful act of no mercy- because this is part of the karma from a previous life that they have to pay? I am disgusted about life, about love, about existence- and I can't stop crying about it... So it leaves me with a reality that under buddhist ideology I am supposed to accept- and is not that i got lucky but that I have moved into the superior world that makes me a more elevated person. I will not accept that- I just can't. i have enough with accepting the fact that I have to live in solitude away from my family and all the people that I love.. that I have to wake up every fucking morning and talk to my fucking mirror- and find my way to a cave in Korea town to do this- look at my computer and hear my own voice as I write these words... such much for resignation at this minute... I am heart broken with my existence in this world but I can't see myself escaping from the samsara- no matter how aware I can be of it now.