Ayer...

Pense en que no siempre podemos cambiar. Que nuestros mayores temores nunca desaperecen... te vi y pense que no podre ser aquella con la que sonaste anoche. Pense que la distancia nos dara las grandes respuestas que hoy buscamos; Pense que no cambiare por que me amo de la manera que soy. Pense en los grandes avances que he hecho como mujer; en que finalmente soy honesta conmigo misma; en que no creo mas en los cuentos de hadas o en el principe azul. Pense en mi padre, en Juan, en mi madre... pense y me rei de mi misma al darme cuenta de mis debilidades. Pense en que no te voy a olvidar pero en que si te debo dejar ir. Pense en que solo podras quererme si no me tratas de cambiar. Pense en que te quiero asi...tan lejos del principe azul; con tus jeans manchados y tus manos con pintura... en tus palabras tan directas que me ponen histerica pero que hacen nuestra relacion tan transparente. Pense en que el tiempo de verdad sera la respuesta a todo. No quiero cambiar... quiereme asi.

sonrisa

alegria; temor. que rica sensacion; soy feliz... temporalmente feliz. vos que pensas? pensabas lo mismo que yo ayer? me quede con las ganas de contarte; me senti como si no quisieras escucharme madre. la vida si es un carnaval por eso no me detendre a pedir tu opinion esta vez. no llorare; mandare todos y a todas al carajo con tanta criticadera. que rico; ahora somos un equipo. Tampoco no siento ser la hija ideal... la cortina se acaba de caer.

tan feliz que no faltan los dolores de cabeza

Asi me pasa hoy. Me levanto feliz, teniendo una muy fructifera semana laboral a pesar de las picaduras "Kansasienses" de mosquitos que todavia me tenien pasandome las unas por encima y dejandome unas marcas mas feas que me da pena mostrar las piernas, la cara y hasta mi humilde trasero. Pero estoy feliz... todavia despertando de un repentino encanto con la vida; o mas bien aun, viviendo un encanto que ni yo misma me lo puedo creer. Y en esa felicidad tambien he reflecionado mucho... que tanto se le debe contar a los amigos, la familia, los vecinos; es como unas de esas enfermedades que quisiera uno transmitirle a todo el mundo- enfermedad de amor. Y aunque sea corta la estoy viviendo con la mayor intensidad. Existen muchas dudas, miedos; claro que con esta fascinacion las cosas han sido como calmadas, con los pies muy en la tierra... pero en la tierra de la luna; raro solo puedo decir, pero que rico disfrutar del amor. Pero volviendo a lo de las ganas de contaminar a los vecinos con esta pequena porcion de felicidad nos encontramos con certezas sobre la gente que nos rodea. Habia pensado en alguien quien podia criticar o tratar de "salar" las cosas... y mira que la Carola me lo dijo: alejate de esa persona cachai; te va a querer joder. Y la carola se gano el titulo de adivinadora... es como triste la vaina- premeditar la cosa y sin embargo me arriesgue todavia esperando que esta persona no lo tomara tan mal pues estaba segura que algun comentario saldria. La rabia o "piedra" que tengo es encontrarme con alguien tan enferma en su alma; tanta envidia solo conduce a mas soledad, y ahi esta es una soledad que la unica basura que sale de su boca es envidia. Y que hacer con aquellas amistades? me da tristeza aunque tambien me da felicidad, certeza, espiritu, alegria- fue como si yo tambien me hubiera ganado el premio de madame fufu. Habra que preguntarle a mi madre en su regreso sobre lo que ella opina. Y aqui quedo... feliz, tragada, y burlandome mano a mano con el destino. solo es sabe lo que viene, asi que mejor no esperar nada- sin fe pero disfrutando al maximo. Ix, que rico tenerte a mi lado asi sea solo por un rato.

Galeria de la verguenza

No se como titular la breve exhibicion de fotografias que siguen en este escrito. Las tome como imagenes para que me recuerden a diario que no he perdido la perpectiva... How sad to talk about them, because I can only think about the anger, the dissapointment in many ways and the inmense frustration when I look at them. It was a trip to remind me of those injustices that I defend every day but that I have forgotten to look at. La Colonia Chilpancingo es una comunidad de mas de 10,000 personas que vivian directamente de una planta de reciclaje de plomo, cobre, y fosforo. Company protected by the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) signed over 10 years ago between U.S., Canada and Mexico. The problem: more than 23,000 tons of mixed contaminated waste including lead and arsenic were abandoned adjacent to this colony- causing enormous health and environmental danger.

In another corner of this colony lies El Alamar River. El Alamar river descends from this hill where the majority of Maquiladoras in Tijuana are located. A shanty town called "La Nueva Esperanza" was created in the mid-nineties as many small farmers and other workers abandoned by choice or were forced to leave their lands in Mexico after NAFTA came into existence. Most of them looking for any job available in the maquiladoras moved to La Nueva Esperanza in the hope that they would be able to make fast money working in the Maquilas and as a step before crossing the border in the U.S. ... a long time has passed for many of these residents in Nueva Esperanza and their hopes to emigrate have vanished over time. Around 1997, this community was displaced by the Mexican Army and relocated in another area of Tijuana where they were promised a better living- they had been displaced for public health reasons but also for guaranteeing corporations ability to operate freely without any disturbs. But their jobs were still in the maquiladoras and many of them couldn't afford the expenses of transportation from the other side of town; so with time they came back without knowing what awaited them... the biggest contamination ever recorded in the history of the border...

Today, residents of Chilpancingo and Nueva Esperanza have united fronts through the creation of a colectivo to gather information about the impact of public health. The Environmental Health Coalition has joined forces with the colectivo and released their report titled Globalization at the Crossroads www.environmentalhealth.org where they give you a ten-year history of the passage of NAFTA in the San Diego/Tijuana border Region-reading that I recommend you don't miss! As I participated on this tour with some american physicians and some residents of Chipancingo... I heard the most amazing thing: when one of the residents of Chilpancingo was asked why she hasn't left the colony despite knowing the dangers that they face everyday, she simply responded... Because I was here first before the Maquilas!

Comunidad Nueva Esperanza; rio afectado por la contaminacion causada por desechos de plomo, y arsenicos entre otros. 

Rio Alamar; Comunidad Nueva Esperanza, Tijuana.  

El famoso three-fence... Los que se fueron, no cruzaron pero tampoco regresaron 

Tijuana's Metales y Derivados landmark case of the failure of NAFTA 

Playas de Tijuana; Frontera con U.S. 

Mas de 23,000 toneladas de desechos contaminados incluyendo plomo y arsenico fueron abandonados cerca de la colonia Chipancingo y esta comunidad llamada Nueva Esperanza.

cachai... la carola!

La Carola en la frontera... "en la linea". Adonde fuimos? que mundo tan extrano aquel del otro lado... Tijuana... muerta, fria, en pause. La nocion de no ser de ninguna parte, o de querer ser parte de un mundo que existe al otro lado. Sos Chilena? aquel dia por un instante no pudiste serlo... que sentiste poi? para mi fue distinto- fue una revelacion de que no soy ni de alli ni de aca. I am naturalized... where is that country? how can I be defined as naturalized; either I am a citizen or I am not or should I ask for a third opinion? y el $1.50 que nos recuerda que tenemos el poder en nuestras manos... que sentenciamos la existencia de estos seres que dependen de $1.50 en una carrera de taxi? como explicar aquello... aun no despierto de aquella experiencia; parece poco real. eso es por que he ignorado la realidad del otro lado por un buen tiempo; o por que nunca lo entend. La NINA me hizo reir mucho; sobretodo hablando de su popolo; de mi Juan... mi juanito... mi hermano "el gancho". Que buenas cervezas... que se nos repita!

El misterio del buen amigo

Como definir un buen amigo? existe realmente aquella persona? yo solo puedo hablar de lo que you soy como amiga; trato de ser sincera, directa, reservada; y simplemente no ser una hijuemadre con mis amigos. Soy fiel y leal a una amistad; espero recibir la misma cortesia. La amistad verdadera se debe basar en esa sinceridad... el decirle a un amigo cuales son sus errores... pero jamas cruzar la linea. La linea que nos puede convertir en envidiosos, celosos, y amargados; la linea que se puede convertir en hipocresia. Cierto dicho dice que es mejor ponerse rojo una vez en la vida, que pasarse la vida poniendose rojo por no decir algo. Y lo estoy aprendiendo a entender al encontrarme con una vieja amistad que no tiembla la voz para ser sincera; que no le da pena decirle a uno si la cague... pero si tengo un problema cuando esa persona se contradice y no reconoce que tampoco es perfecta y que muchos y de los defectos que critica sobre uno, tambien son parte de sus defectos.
Pero prefiero ponerme brava 5 minutos, y luego reirme de la situacion. Al fin de al cabo no existe cosa mas grata que hablar con este amigo despues y que no exista ningun recentimiento.
Ese quiero que sea mi amigo; eso lo hace un buen amigo.

Un estupendo fin de semana

ya con 10 meses cumplidos en esta ciudad, por primera vez puedo decir que he tenido un gran fin de semana... bueno por que me permitio apreciar los encantos de esta ciudad a veces tan fria, y solitaria; una ciudad llena de cultura, de buena gente, y de buen material para pensar. El viernes estuve en una boda... un poco extrano por que la boda empezo a la 1pm. T dice que la hicieron a esa hora para que el salon de fiesta les saliera mas barato... una bella boda donde los hombres derramaban mas lagrimas que las nenas; un verdadero misterio de lo que matrimonio significa para estos hombres.
En la noche, me fui con Paolita a un concierto de Antibalas http://www.antibalas.com/ Muy buena banda; buen afro-beat. Un sabor de brooklyn lleno de political statements, de salsa, de Africa, y de este mundo papapa! excelente... me lo goze muchisimo; sobretodo cuando escuche a Willie Colon. Me trajo memorias de Colombia; me lleno de nostalgia. Toda la noche pense lo que Juan hubiera dicho; esa es su onda... mi hermanito me hubiera contado mas sobre esta banda.
El Sabado lo remate con un paseo unconvencional al cementerio de Hollywood, donde se reunen todos los sabados mas de 300 personas a disfrutar de una pelicula clasica. That night I watched North by Northwest from Hitchcock. Pretty funny how this suspense drama turns into a love story. It was really great... and as you enjoy the film, you get to share with your friends food, wine, even pot. Not me but most people surely enjoyed it. It is a great tribute to the death... the laughs, the warm scene for being at the cemetery.... hilarious.
Yesterday my friend Osman woke me up and invited me to the beach. Really nice afternoon in the middle of cheese and wine. The pacific is so dark but it surely has so much power. I kind of asked myself yesterday if the first time I saw the ocean was the pacific? My guess is that it was; perhaps due to the proximity to Pereira. But then, my first memoires in the water are in the Atlantic; in a family trip with mis tias and my brother where we visited San Andres, Santa Marta and .... I think barranquilla at some point? I can't longer remember. My memories of that trip are my brother's memories like most of my childhood remembrances.
Finally P came to see me... more like a chance to close our story. to let go in many ways. Destiny has been dictated and we no longer know what to think... how do we let go? but we did, and we desperately needed it. I am glad it ended like this; with no regrets, no grudges. I do love him but I know that I will never trust him again. And P... the diapers will change your life. All I can say is that you need to embrace this miracle of life; don't question it any more. It was meant to be; we weren't. And this is how we let each other go.

how to let you go...

why come back to me... especially now when I had buried you. Never knowing how you felt... una promesa, un suspirar... mi Buenos Aires querido! como enterrarte? I love u. As I hear your breathing; never knowing what it means, how it feels. I have to let you go. I can't bear your future paternity. I wish I could hold you in my arms... but this time trusting you. What do you want from me??? es mi corazon el que se abre y me dice que te deje ir; aunque te amo, se que fuiste cobarde y no quisiste comprometerte. pero no puedo... no puedo tenerte en mis brazos cuando se que no seras mio, solo para mi. te dejo ir hoy por que se que no volveras. pero te amo y a partir de hoy me despido de ti. Adios P.

What do I know about love...

J... don't ask me what to say about love. I don't know anything about it; I don't have love. But there is always hope that Love will come to you and find you. Without pushing it, it will get inside you and hopefully, it will stick. I can't judge love, not even if it has always dissapointed me. Nothing else to say... I am not sure if it is really worth fighting for.

My first Altar! 

The Circle of Life 

MIA

I have been missing in action lately; Although I have been going through some thinking as to what to write the next time I seated on my chair to visit this blog. I was away for a week attending a conference in San Francisco; and interesting conference I may add, talking to small-scale farmers from all over the U.S. and in many ways understanding that they do go through the same challenges that farmers in Latin America face everyday; even in the most powerful nation, small farmers struggle to make a decent living. At the same time, I saw some old faces from the past making me realize what a strong and confident woman I have become. It has been the thoughest year of my life since the separation from my ex; then there was the relocation to LA; the months sleeping the in the floor; the times of loneliness and deception and finally, a time of joy where I have found my role in the world.
I love my job because it makes me a better person; a humble one at least. I always knew I was going to work on tough causes but I never thought I would be doing this type of work promoting fair trade. I do realize that I can achieve much more and do more for the people who need it. I have hesitated so much into going back to law school, especially these last months. And then, I am pulled back to this desire to become the best lawyer yet in human rights because practicing law does have much more influence on Policy than being an activist that even though is standing for a good cause may loss sight on choosing his/her battles.
I am also happy to have finalized my first altar. It is still a work in progress and it will get bigger with time; but I am excited to be able to see that love and respect put together into these offerings to buddhism and its values. Like my brother once said: "the best thing that ever happened to our mother was buddhism" and I think it goes the same way for me. Someone else in my position and after all that I have been through with Love and affection would have gone crazy if not psycho! But buddhism has helped me maintain my senerity and continues to embrace with other wonderful things in life. I think I am finally making it... at least for now :)

! 

Sex and the City

Today, I had one of those inspirational moments... watching Sex and The City (two seasons late) my heart felt alive! alive, like it hadn't been in years; alive, with desires to conquer the world, to cry, to scream, to be myself again. A lot has happened lately, and as I come into this state of peace with my own self I feel that I got to try... and to try is to feel alive, to stop neglecting the universe, to love... but this time to love only myself. And today Sex and the City not only meant thinking about relationships but it also meant to awake from this idealism that misleads me in many ways. It was its final episode... exciting, sensual, unique like all of its episodes; giving me hope like I had never thought I could find. And now I write and tears come out of my eyes, but tears of anxiety, fear, happiness. Solitude teaches you many things, but bad relationships teach you more: the deceptions, the idealisms, idolitraciones del ser... the adrenaline, the laughs, the questions, and the not meant to be's. I wish life was just about sex; about keeping it simple. But it isn't for me at this minute. There's so many questionings about the meant to be's; the professional satisfactions, the short and "flash" love stories; the returns to past loves. And then... there is a future; a future that I love, that I dream about... and as Carrie smiles as she returns to NYC, I look around and I find hope.