What I miss about...

Disclaimer- Katie... what I great idea!

1. My family- I miss the family circus, the smell of the cats' shit dump, my mom's incense, her voice... the tarot, I miss the food, GOD! and el chisme sin duda. There's always a reason to criticize- miss sleeping with my little sis. Ernie's long "fantastic" stories about his work. y mis colchones- malditos que aun estoy pagando.
2. Florida- just the water- the rich life. Nanis- who else will talk with me for hours! (the drinking plays a big role on these long conversations). Mr. Luiso, his laugh- flirting, that unique smile when looking at my tits. La cubana de Maria- quien mas puede darme all the political and gay gossip- not to mention la farandula. The sunset- except for the disgraceful mosquitoes. sometimes Rene.
3. NY- mi hermanito. smell of the street pee- la carola reganando a juan. Ix- even though he tried to be the boss most of the time. miss his dancing, su negreria, su voz. The noise, movement, life. Central park is a plus! winter, but not the fucking snow.
4. France- les parents. the food- wine, cheese- the long political conversations. the face in mom's face when she makes a connerie, and dad laughing at her; ma pauvre francoise. Soaz qui me parle de ses relations, de pot, de le future avec Xav. Mon petit kev qui est plus petit maintenant- il doit etre tres mignon now. Papan et ces escargots.
5. Colombia- la arepa y el calentado en la manana. Padre- alengando, hablando de Juanito. la leche- el arequipe, la cuca. Alcala y titan. normandia- la cigarreria. Los muchachos. el futbol y el estadio. los conciertos en pereira. Jairito y su voz. La ropa y el buen cuero. el pueblo- la gente. Bogota. Salento y la trucha. el camping con ricardo. el pot con F. la hamaca. papa de nuevo- el tango. el vinito frio con mi padre. fumar. que la gente critique al imbecil del uribe.

And what about LA? Do I like it? thank god for Osman y Sergio- sin ellos, me volveria loca. Love the wheather! Hermosa beach, the reading with Osman. La peleadera con paola. Las visitas esporadicas de Salomon. Sandra y su comida- the cursing. Her children even though there's times I want to kill them. Janelle and her stories- Felipe y Ben with their gay energy. Sergio's llamadas de apoyo. waking up with Ix- even though he is not here with me now. mi nevera llena. o vacia :( thank god for asian food- but please make sure it doesn't have any hairs. Katie- hoping she will come back to work for Oxfam. My office- my own office!!! my blackberry. Having no roommates :) but I miss all of you.

This is between the middle of nowhere... new mexico, texas, mexico. What a beautiful scenario... this is like a sentence to death- Fort Bliss- this is nowhere... the pre-stop before the Iraq war- it is horrible- I don't want you going there but there is no alternative... just stay safe. Al verte supe que nunca fuimos nada pero te quiero... has sido un gran amigo y solo te deseo lo mejor; me encanto hablarte de el- quien es? como ha cambiado mi vida! lo amo. solo recuerda tu promesa- no habran agujeros en tu cuerpo- regresa a nosotros safe- we love you- i love u too and I miss you with all my heart- and I love u too baby; Ixrael please come back to me soon.
V.

I don't think you care much... and it makes tremendously sad; como explicartelo? pienso en las miles de cosas que quisiera decirte, expresar. estar lejos de ti, de ellos, de todos me pone mal; y mas ahora que tengo algo que busque por mucho tiempo... mi tiempo. ahi esta presente, y no logro disfrutarlo; me despierto en la manana deseando hacer muchas cosas y con el paso del dia me encuentro ahi... sin ganas, sin el drive que me logre sacar de aqui. pero tu no reaccionas, y no quiero imponertelo; pero estas tan lejano de mi que estoy comprendiendo que nunca estuviste ahi. eres un rayo; algo espontaneo, hermoso pero perdido en otro universo. PERO, PERO, EPRO... NO MAS PEROS. te amo y solo quiero que me ames dia a dia... de que esta hecho el mundo si no existe el amor. Hasta donde debemos llevar nuestros suenos, nuestros deseos personales, profesionales... caul es el precio mas alto que debemos pagar para encontrarnos 100% felices? ya escogi una vez y aqui me encuentro en LA. Cual fue el precio de empezar de nuevo? no solo ha sido la soledad, pero la decepcion, la incertidumbre, el miedo, y la falta de amor. escoger ahora me llevaria a otro lugar; tal vez mas cerca de ti, de mi familia, de las personas que mas quiero en mi vida... sin saber cual seria el precio y la verdad es que me gustaria saberlo asi estaria mas segura si valdria la pena empezar de nuevo. No quiero mas dormidas en el piso o sofas- tampoco quiero empacar mas cajas. por que nos es tan dificil mirar hacia adelante y olvidarnos de los obstaculos? yo solo quiero acostarme feliz; pensar que manana al despertar, habra una voz conocida a mi lado deseandome tener un buen dia... y de paso poder compartir el olor del desayuno asi me regane por el abuso de calorias en una manana tan esplendida. Si deseo tener todo aquello a mi lado- una sonrisa, una caricia, una simple palabra que me de un motivo para regresar en la noche a casa feliz de lo que me espera al llegar; asi me encuentre cada noche con un escenario diferente- en medio de peleas apasionadas, noches de poco sueno, cenas rapidas improvisadas para apetecer nuestros gustos. No quiero mirar atras por que se que lo arriesgue todo- la vida al lado de alguien que llenaba mucho mi vida pero que olvide amar en el camino. No quiero que eso nos pase a los dos- solo quiero verte, sentirte... saber que eres real. o talvez yo no soy real? solo quiero que te importe.

a matter of disgust

The late images on TV about the tragedy in Lousiana and Mississippi have confirmed so many of those things that people in this country have been denying for years... is not only the loothing, the poverty, the poor afros running around and crying for help... the many people breaking in tears in front of the cameras... is the fucking abandonment by all of us- the isolation of the poor, the negro, the latino and so on...and that only came of the only 5 minutes that I decided to watch TV. How to turn our face around to these disgusting events of life... How not to be mad; at a point where I am also breaking into tears and feeling disgust for the people of this nation- and that also includes me. Yesterday I kept breaking into tears but for not this trategy, but for my personal tragedy... my solitude; and the more that i read about buddhism the more questionings I have about our existence... it turns out that buddhism is a fatalistic idea... there's no way out! I hate thinking like this- the more I think about Lousiana and Mississippi, the more that I question the hands of God- are we suppose to believe that God or Allah or whatever you want to call it put all these people in these places to suffer this disgraceful act of no mercy- because this is part of the karma from a previous life that they have to pay? I am disgusted about life, about love, about existence- and I can't stop crying about it... So it leaves me with a reality that under buddhist ideology I am supposed to accept- and is not that i got lucky but that I have moved into the superior world that makes me a more elevated person. I will not accept that- I just can't. i have enough with accepting the fact that I have to live in solitude away from my family and all the people that I love.. that I have to wake up every fucking morning and talk to my fucking mirror- and find my way to a cave in Korea town to do this- look at my computer and hear my own voice as I write these words... such much for resignation at this minute... I am heart broken with my existence in this world but I can't see myself escaping from the samsara- no matter how aware I can be of it now.