Un estupendo fin de semana

ya con 10 meses cumplidos en esta ciudad, por primera vez puedo decir que he tenido un gran fin de semana... bueno por que me permitio apreciar los encantos de esta ciudad a veces tan fria, y solitaria; una ciudad llena de cultura, de buena gente, y de buen material para pensar. El viernes estuve en una boda... un poco extrano por que la boda empezo a la 1pm. T dice que la hicieron a esa hora para que el salon de fiesta les saliera mas barato... una bella boda donde los hombres derramaban mas lagrimas que las nenas; un verdadero misterio de lo que matrimonio significa para estos hombres.
En la noche, me fui con Paolita a un concierto de Antibalas http://www.antibalas.com/ Muy buena banda; buen afro-beat. Un sabor de brooklyn lleno de political statements, de salsa, de Africa, y de este mundo papapa! excelente... me lo goze muchisimo; sobretodo cuando escuche a Willie Colon. Me trajo memorias de Colombia; me lleno de nostalgia. Toda la noche pense lo que Juan hubiera dicho; esa es su onda... mi hermanito me hubiera contado mas sobre esta banda.
El Sabado lo remate con un paseo unconvencional al cementerio de Hollywood, donde se reunen todos los sabados mas de 300 personas a disfrutar de una pelicula clasica. That night I watched North by Northwest from Hitchcock. Pretty funny how this suspense drama turns into a love story. It was really great... and as you enjoy the film, you get to share with your friends food, wine, even pot. Not me but most people surely enjoyed it. It is a great tribute to the death... the laughs, the warm scene for being at the cemetery.... hilarious.
Yesterday my friend Osman woke me up and invited me to the beach. Really nice afternoon in the middle of cheese and wine. The pacific is so dark but it surely has so much power. I kind of asked myself yesterday if the first time I saw the ocean was the pacific? My guess is that it was; perhaps due to the proximity to Pereira. But then, my first memoires in the water are in the Atlantic; in a family trip with mis tias and my brother where we visited San Andres, Santa Marta and .... I think barranquilla at some point? I can't longer remember. My memories of that trip are my brother's memories like most of my childhood remembrances.
Finally P came to see me... more like a chance to close our story. to let go in many ways. Destiny has been dictated and we no longer know what to think... how do we let go? but we did, and we desperately needed it. I am glad it ended like this; with no regrets, no grudges. I do love him but I know that I will never trust him again. And P... the diapers will change your life. All I can say is that you need to embrace this miracle of life; don't question it any more. It was meant to be; we weren't. And this is how we let each other go.

how to let you go...

why come back to me... especially now when I had buried you. Never knowing how you felt... una promesa, un suspirar... mi Buenos Aires querido! como enterrarte? I love u. As I hear your breathing; never knowing what it means, how it feels. I have to let you go. I can't bear your future paternity. I wish I could hold you in my arms... but this time trusting you. What do you want from me??? es mi corazon el que se abre y me dice que te deje ir; aunque te amo, se que fuiste cobarde y no quisiste comprometerte. pero no puedo... no puedo tenerte en mis brazos cuando se que no seras mio, solo para mi. te dejo ir hoy por que se que no volveras. pero te amo y a partir de hoy me despido de ti. Adios P.

What do I know about love...

J... don't ask me what to say about love. I don't know anything about it; I don't have love. But there is always hope that Love will come to you and find you. Without pushing it, it will get inside you and hopefully, it will stick. I can't judge love, not even if it has always dissapointed me. Nothing else to say... I am not sure if it is really worth fighting for.

My first Altar! 

The Circle of Life 

MIA

I have been missing in action lately; Although I have been going through some thinking as to what to write the next time I seated on my chair to visit this blog. I was away for a week attending a conference in San Francisco; and interesting conference I may add, talking to small-scale farmers from all over the U.S. and in many ways understanding that they do go through the same challenges that farmers in Latin America face everyday; even in the most powerful nation, small farmers struggle to make a decent living. At the same time, I saw some old faces from the past making me realize what a strong and confident woman I have become. It has been the thoughest year of my life since the separation from my ex; then there was the relocation to LA; the months sleeping the in the floor; the times of loneliness and deception and finally, a time of joy where I have found my role in the world.
I love my job because it makes me a better person; a humble one at least. I always knew I was going to work on tough causes but I never thought I would be doing this type of work promoting fair trade. I do realize that I can achieve much more and do more for the people who need it. I have hesitated so much into going back to law school, especially these last months. And then, I am pulled back to this desire to become the best lawyer yet in human rights because practicing law does have much more influence on Policy than being an activist that even though is standing for a good cause may loss sight on choosing his/her battles.
I am also happy to have finalized my first altar. It is still a work in progress and it will get bigger with time; but I am excited to be able to see that love and respect put together into these offerings to buddhism and its values. Like my brother once said: "the best thing that ever happened to our mother was buddhism" and I think it goes the same way for me. Someone else in my position and after all that I have been through with Love and affection would have gone crazy if not psycho! But buddhism has helped me maintain my senerity and continues to embrace with other wonderful things in life. I think I am finally making it... at least for now :)

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Sex and the City

Today, I had one of those inspirational moments... watching Sex and The City (two seasons late) my heart felt alive! alive, like it hadn't been in years; alive, with desires to conquer the world, to cry, to scream, to be myself again. A lot has happened lately, and as I come into this state of peace with my own self I feel that I got to try... and to try is to feel alive, to stop neglecting the universe, to love... but this time to love only myself. And today Sex and the City not only meant thinking about relationships but it also meant to awake from this idealism that misleads me in many ways. It was its final episode... exciting, sensual, unique like all of its episodes; giving me hope like I had never thought I could find. And now I write and tears come out of my eyes, but tears of anxiety, fear, happiness. Solitude teaches you many things, but bad relationships teach you more: the deceptions, the idealisms, idolitraciones del ser... the adrenaline, the laughs, the questions, and the not meant to be's. I wish life was just about sex; about keeping it simple. But it isn't for me at this minute. There's so many questionings about the meant to be's; the professional satisfactions, the short and "flash" love stories; the returns to past loves. And then... there is a future; a future that I love, that I dream about... and as Carrie smiles as she returns to NYC, I look around and I find hope.

how predictable...

How predictable was to know that I had been dreaming all along. The last two weeks, I have been traveling a lot; just before leaving last week, you came to visit but had nothing to say... but at the end you did and you decided to leave it upon my return. Now I am back and I find out how your life has changed... were we meant to find each other again last week? Now you are here facing the upcoming paternity... I cried, it hurted too much. The dissapointment; the lies; the possible cheating. I haven't given up on you and now I am faced with that reality. Life chose for us to go in different paths. Now is my choice to decide where I want to go next... next to your life, there will be a new me; far from you, I can't think I could be close again. The dissapointment is big, but the doubt will always rest. Take care of yourself... and good luck.